THREE ADJUSTMENTS OF NEWLY MARRIED CHRISTIANS
“if you marry, you have not sinned…nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh…
Remember, that in a mini marital crisis of adjustment Jesus is always available, day or night as Counsellor, and Advocate. Do not wait for a full blown crisis, because by then it may be far more difficult for beneficial remedy. Go over the verses in this short essay and He will consult with you.
It’s never too late or too early to confess faults and sins to the beloved spouse. But do not go fishing for sins that are “buried in the sea of His forgetfulness” that is grievous unbelief and also needs washing in the eternal fount that covers sins’ stains. Not to do so will wound self and the beloved. Accepted or not confess them with little or no comment and matter of fact cadence. Avoid prolonged self deprecation; emotional display of sorrow ; a wounded self-pitiful speech lamenting the offending action to the aggrieved spouse. Efforts begging for acceptance of confession usually are counterproductive and are neither proof of sincerity nor success of the attempt to placate the aggrieved.
Done? Let it rest! “Whatsoever is not of faith is sin,” Recriminatory nostalgia is a form of self pity to be abjured, so do not undermine what the Lord Counsellor has covered, forgiven and buried. Nostalgic self torture by regressing into pedantic self pity is sinning against Him. Better by far to let it go than give the inner accuser of the brethren opportunity to steal the peace of the Spirit. Ponder on Romans 8:1 remembering the words of John the apostle: ‘if our heart condemn us God is greater than our heart’. No response should be made to accusation if it is later raised. Remain mute and leave it with God.
Remember that under Mosaic Levitical law a soldier was given a whole year off to adjust to his new bride. Because of the weakness of the woman, the weaker vessel, there is more traumatic adjustment by the man. The conflict between the genders even in the most hallowed of unions is always a present trouble. “You shall have trouble in the flesh,” (1 Corinthians 7).
The older we are the greater the difficulty. If we wind tight the cords of control we only make matters worse for ourselves and give the enemy more opportunity to exploit even the most trivial of differences.
BIBLE THOUGHTS ON GENDER TEMPTATION, AND THE CURSE
1 Timothy 2:14 And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression.
Eve in her state of innocence (not original righteousness) may have been lonesome. A couple may live together and still be lonely. Being a help-mate means sharing quality time together. The apex of such occurs when two sit together and are comfortable with each other’s silence. When interchange is limited to question and answer; distracting devices to entertain and amuse; and vocal verbosity then quality time has not started. If leisurely enjoyment of each other depends on sound, image, or physical activity, then the two have yet to have a meeting of the minds.
The greatest joys come from the simplest things in life, not the artificial representation of same on the screen of the pc; TV; telephone; camera, etc.
Eve perhaps was neglected, then strayed being drawn of her curiosity to hearsay and religious mysticism. These traits became part of the permanent curse, naturally leading that gender to be more religious than the other.
Adjustment: readiness to cope with gender trauma.
1. …”and your desire shall be to your husband, and he shall rule over you.” Genesis 3.
2. The unbridled desire to possess and control the partner is an endemic part of original sin, magnified by God’s promised curse. The frustrated desire to control or subjugate the opposite gender can turn very ugly. Resentfulness towards the would-be controller can develop in unpredictable ways. Cain’s violent response to Abel was only the start of the terrible downward spiral of Adam’s descendants. Genetically the XXX chromosome man and the YYY chromosome woman are far more intolerant of others trying to control them. In a religiously enforced environment the judgmental man may be found unbearable. Especially is this so when he is judge, jury and executioner all in one.
3. The curse did not just cause conflict between the woman and the serpent, but also between male and female through conflicting desires to rule over each other. Whether in the open, or under the surface, the desire to be a matriarchal manipulator of the husband will surface trying his patience and tolerance. The higher the predominance of Y chromosomes the more frequent its occurrence. On the other hand the male desire to police, legislate and even punish the angel he married depends upon the amount of X chromosomes in his DNA. While his patriarchal self justification makes him turn a blind eye to his own aberrant desire to control, Paul indicates in Romans 7 that the lust to control others (especially one’s spouse) will be present until the redemption of the body. (Romans 8, 1 Corinthians 15.)
a. Apart from the gender conflict, with which William and Catherine Booth struggled, the saint who has been alone or single has an adjustment challenge. To pretend otherwise is to make marriage fragile indeed. Basically it is apportioning personal time on a new basis.
4. Adjustment: reorientation of self for the other.
a. For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. 1 Corinthians 11:8-9
b. “But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried cares for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: But he that is married cares for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife” (1 Corinthians 7:32-3)
5. Adjustment: coping with Oneself . All saints must face this third adjustment: the blight within.
a. Our best intentions to restrain our controlling tendencies are fraught with the endemic curse within us: ‘the body of this death’. “ For I delight in the law of God after the inward man: but I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. O wretched man that I am! Who shall deliver me from the body of this death?” Romans 7:22-24
b. “For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that you cannot do the things that you would.”
Galatians 5:17
Though the lady is called the weaker vessel, the man is much weaker when he refuses to acknowledge this emotional attribute of one born to be a mother. A husband’s strength becomes his greatest weakness. The attributes of a Christian gentleman are considered weakness by the world, but not by God. When the wife admits her weakness for hearsay, curiosity, and distrust of her partner she becomes a giant for God. When, however, she leans on a cultish charismatic person of the church as surrogate father then marital trust in her spouse can be seriously endangered. Counseling of one spouse apart from the other usually leads to a partisan spirit.
THE GREATEST DANGER.
Having too high expectations of the spouse can become a serious problem. Especially is this so in exclusive assemblies of separated saints. John Darby, C I Schofield and J Frank Norris encountered this cycle.
Where freewill concepts blind the man to his own weaknesses (Romans 7, Galatians 6) puritanical hypocrisy may ensue. This pivots on relentless judgmentalism that inflexibly implements a higher standard in the spouse with catastrophic results. The ensuing alienation is rarely tolerable and separation becomes inevitable. Post marital separational trauma builds an almost irreversible cycle. Jesus warned of censoriousness that sees a splintered speck in the spouse’s eye, but is oblivious of the large foreign body distorting the vision of the beholder.
REACTIONARY NUCLEAR FISSION.
Often the damage is not the judgmental criticism of the spouse, but the reaction of the critic to the inadequate defensive response by the vilified. Thus the accuser in one fell stroke becomes the judge, jury and executioner in a bout of tyranny.
Proverbs 25:28 He that has no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.
Proverbs 18:14 The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity; but a wounded spirit who can bear?
(COMMENT: the infirmity may be his thorn in the flesh, but once a man’s spirit is wounded there is little equanimity left to sustain him against domestic conflict.)
Proverbs 15:13 … by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken.
(COMMENT: the cycle of sorrow unabated will break the spirit. This applies to negative reminisces, to purposeful avoidance of contention in the home.
Proverbs 17:22 …a broken spirit dries the bones.
(COMMENT: it is paramount that one monitors the interactional stress which progressively threatens to break the spirit. If unchecked by counter strategies bodily health may suffer.)
RELATED BIBLE REFERENCES.
James 5:16
Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that you may be healed.
(COMMENT: Healing of an ailing soul is not conditional upon the hearer’s acceptance. The emotional response to the confession is not the criterion of God’s cleansing of the confessor.)
Proverbs 28:13
He that covers his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesses and forsakes them shall have mercy.
(COMMENT: the hearer’s resentful rebuttal of the confession does not negate God’s mercy.)
1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
(COMMENT: this spiritual dynamic covers known and unknown transgressions including those of omission and commission. “Cleanse me from secret sins and see if there be any wicked way in me.”)
1 John 3:20 For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things.
1 John 3:21 Beloved, if our heart condemn us not, then have we confidence toward God.
Matthew 18:21-23 Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? 22 Jesus said unto him, I say not unto you, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.
Matthew 6:15 But if you forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
Matthew 18:35 So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if you from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.
Mark 11:25 And when you stand praying, forgive, if you have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.
